Blank Canvas

The concept of a 'fresh start' or 'blank canvas' can feel exciting but how do we manage the anxiety around approaching this perceived "emptiness" if we have yet to decide what to fill the space with?

---

As I sit staring at the screen, I stumble across a blog post that I began to write back in January... It now seems fitting to compare and contrast from then and now!

January 2025

Personally, I have always loved the concept of 'turning new pages' and 'starting afresh'; there is something so exhilarating about starting a new chapter in life. However, in the past couple of months when faced with my very own blank canvas of choosing where I want to be in life and what I want to be doing, I found it much more difficult than I expected it to be. I thought I would love to have space and time to think and make decisions; I thought I would love the idea of zero expectation and responsibilities; I thought that I would feel a sense of calm and ease. Not as much as I thought. Instead I was plagued by concerns for the future. My reliance and need for 'a plan' resurfaced. And the usual doubts and worries began to slowly creep back in... Where could I see myself? What would I be doing? Where do I start?

Even if we have bigger vision or longer term plans, breaking it down to the immediate present can be challenging. We can look at our vision (which is often disguised as a mountain) and we wonder which route to choose... How long will it take? Especially if one decision/path means sacrificing something else along the way. During these times, it can be difficult to maintain trust in ourselves and our gut instincts. Or sometimes, what might make the most logical sense 'on paper' or in our heads, doesn't feel right in our hearts...

Many of us dislike making big life decisions, which is understandable: it often feels so daunting and final.

July 2025

It's fascinating to re-read that unposted blog from earlier on in the year to see how -half a year later- so much has changed! I have made decisions and started on a new path: from moving to Scotland and beginning a new job to getting ready to perform in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. So many positives have happened since the start of the year and as a result of this, so many opportunities have opened up for me.

However, although I feel that I have made the right decisions and followed the correct course of action, this has not come without some bumps in the road. It has definitely taken me longer to settle here than I thought it would. For example: I have found it challenging to find my rhythm and routines; I have struggled to keep confidence in myself and decisions; and, at times, I have questioned my abilities along with the 'pace' I am living my life at.

So interestingly although my initial 'blank canvas' seemed quite daunting, it now quite full with many colours and shapes and patterns yet I still have worries and doubts. I have started on a new, exciting journey yet I still berate myself for supposedly being "behind" in life's perceived "checkpoints". I know these feelings are normal. I know these thoughts are common. And I know that there are so many other people that have similar thoughts and feelings. For me, I am aware that it's probably societal conditioning exacerbated (at times) by social media!

For the past couple of months, I have definitely ruminated on these worries and I don't think it has been helpful in maintaining good mental health. Consequently, I am keen to change my thinking towards myself, my accomplishments and my current position in life. And in order to do this, I will do the following:

• write a list of my achievements (pre and post moving to Scotland);

• keep an every day gratitude list;

• and finally, fill my time with activities, people and hobbies that are in align with my values and priorities.

In many of my blogs, I often aim to be positive and jovial so I was a little unsure as to whether or not to post my thoughts now (and from back in January). However, when I sat down at my laptop, I found myself struggling for words so I thought it best to be honest and write from the heart: a reliable and trusted method for removing writer's block! Furthermore, I know that I am probably not alone in these worries and self-doubts...

Finally, one thing that I have found striking between my January and July entries, is the brain's abilities to seek out 'new worries'. I had always wanted a blank canvas for life but when I was presented with it, I suddenly felt fear. And then when my canvas was covered, I was plagued by worries of now not doing enough! It's amazing how the brain can work and - a bit like the blank canvas- can fill itself up with new obstacles, worries and marks. I feel like sometimes the brain (or at least mine!) can be tricked into a "grass is greener" mentality but ultimately, all it does it steal the satisfaction and contentment of the present.

So as I continue to decorate my canvas, with all the people, places and things that I love in life, I will remind myself that although this is a "work in progress", I am in fact, already a "work of art" and my achievements or failures don't define me.

Thank you for reading my blog!

xxx