The Story of My Writing Journey

Tomorrow is the day. The day that I am finally releasing my debut book out into the universe. So it seems that now is the perfect time to reflect on what has brought me to a moment that once seemed so far...

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The Exposition

For as long as I can remember I have loved writing. As a child, English was my favourite subject: I loved reading and the story element; I loved analysing and exploring the hidden subtext; and finally, I loved the creativity. I loved to live vicariously through the characters and as a result of this, it naturally spilled out into a passion for theatre and acting. It was just a part of my DNA. It was what I did. It was who I was.

I was a confident child who could also mask any anxiety and self-doubt. I was a perfectionist and this often fuelled my drive to achieve. Doing my best (without mistakes and failure) was what was most important to me. So I was often able to push through and present confidently even when that inner critic surfaced...

The Rising Action

However, this all seemed to change in my late teens... Those crippling doubts, insecurities and worries became a much louder noise and instead of having the self-belief that I would be fine and overcome any obstacle, I was succumbing to the visualisation of failure...

Suddenly, I was seeing failure, feeling failure and accepting failure. The confident (yet fragile) framework that contained my inner demons was beginning to crumble around me and little did I know that this would become my narrative for the next ten years or so...

Even though I was still living my life and doing those milestones that society deems as success, this was not without a toll on my mental and physical health. I would show up. I would complete the courses, lessons, essays, shifts, degrees, interviews, jobs, careers etc... But it wasn't easy. The before, during and after of anything that seemed impossible to me would come with self-sabotage, self-harm, anxiety, depression, panic attacks and just general neglect of my physical and mental health.

When the reality of "real life" shows up, the dreams we once had as a child can fade into the background. I was on this roller-coaster of life and there was no getting off. The ride that we want to choose is now just seen as some "silly" childhood pastime. The noise in our head says: "grow up"; "it's time to be realistic"; "be sensible!". And yes, these are all important pieces of advice and I am sure there is a useful sentiment in there somewhere but aren't they somewhat limiting?

I still knew I wanted to act, write and follow my own path but it just seemed completely impossible. But this was because I was very much stuck in this conditioned and limiting mindset. I was also trapped in many unhealthy cycles, experiencing impostor syndrome at times, burning out frequently and just generally very "up and down" in my moods.

Throughout this ten year period or so, I received a variety of talking therapies along with medication for anxiety and depression. And I tried to do the work on myself: reading self-helps books; practising breathing exercises; and finally, applying strategies to reset the mindset (amongst other things). I was seeing positive changes but like with any shift the progress wasn't always linear.

I still had a yearning to write and act. And at times, I did. However, if I did do some writing, it would be immediately discarded and I would feel silly or ridiculous for even "giving it a go". But I would still create stories in my mind and come up with ideas for sitcoms and shows...

The Climax

When I got into my 30s, I made a vow to "do things"! But then COVID hit six months later and brought with it a whole host of different ideas, plans and challenges. New obstacles came and went in this two year period and at the end of it all, I decided to move abroad.

Many people say that moving abroad changes you as a person and it really did! Suddenly, I was in this position where I had to prioritise my physical and mental health because I didn't have my usual support network around me. Luckily though, I found a very good doctor abroad who was instrumental in providing me with the tools to protect my physical and mental well-being. I also found an incredible life coach (who I still work with today) and this enabled me to start questioning the limiting beliefs that I held previously in order to start moving towards my purpose and goals. Furthermore, the year before moving, I had also begun spending time "doing the work" on myself in the lead up to the "big move".

However, after about a year or so abroad, my plans changed again and I was no longer working in my teaching position. It was at this time when I decided to start writing properly. I had changed a lot in the last fifteen years or so, and suddenly I was no longer going to destroy the things I wrote (another vow I made to myself!)...

So I guess the climax of this story, is the moment that I actually I began writing...

The Falling Action

So now I was writing... I was a writer! I guess this is why this part comes under 'the falling action' in my narrative arc. Me writing was the starting point of a resolution. No more excuses. No more "not feeling good enough". No more wasting time. The time was now. And since that moment, I've been writing every day: poetry, short stories, monologues, blogs...

I took my chrome book with me every where: coffee shops, holidays, travelling, Machu Picchu... Funnily enough, I bought this chrome book a few years before I actually started writing and the whole point of purchasing it was to write! It just took me a bit of time to get there...

The Denouement

Two years on and I'm still writing. I do it because I need to. I do it because I have to. I do it because I love it. It has become I habit that I adore. It re-energises me and fills my cup and now I couldn't imagine not doing it!

It's interesting because you hear of many artists and musicians who talk about how they don't always like their early works but they realise it was all part of their artistic journey and evolution. I love this notion! I find it so liberating! It removes the pressure of perfection and expectation and encourages us to take creative risks. This is something that I have now weaved into the fabric of my own mindset, as it makes me trust and enjoy the process: instead of feeling the pressure to have it all figured out!

I am still working on myself. I read many self-help books, try to prioritise my mental and physical well-being, work with my incredible life coach, spend time with my supportive family and friends, take my medication and keep using the tools and strategies for a healthy, growth mindset. I can now see that these approaches lead to a more secure, solid foundation of inner confidence, self-esteem and self-acceptance.

So what is the denouement? Well, I guess there isn't an ending yet... I am just getting started on this journey... Where will it lead? I have no idea... But I do know that, whatever happens along the way, I am going to keep writing!

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog!

xxx