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The Paradoxical Effect of Prioritising YOU!

How is it that when you put yourself first, everyone else around you benefits? Maybe it's just simple logical or maybe it's the paradoxical effect of prioritising you?

 

Taking in the Scenery

I now live my life by the safety video that is played on each plane take off. The simple instruction of fixing your own oxygen mask before assisting your own children or other passengers- the key to your own survival right? I believe that this should be an analogy for how we conduct our everyday lives. In an extreme life or death scenario, it seems obvious that you must first save yourself before attempting to save others. However, in our every day, we often help others in a way that neglects our own needs. When did this become the expected? How did this become the norm? And more importantly, why did it take me so long to question it?


There is a part of me that wonders whether this inclination to sacrifice our own needs stems from societal conditioning: be a "good person" who must always think of others. However, I believe that with this type of thinking comes a degree of toxicity that can be harmful to our mental health. I first became aware of this whilst speaking to my - very trusted - life coach. She was able to detect my use of harmful language when speaking of my own needs. It soon became apparent that when I spoke of my desires, often my vocabulary became littered with adjectives like "selfish" or "bad". In what world should listening to your own requirements become synonymous with selfishness? Surely meeting your mental, physical and emotional needs in life are mandatory? Since this realisation, I have tried to re-frame my thinking and, in turn, the language I adopt, so that I am moving away from seeing self-assertiveness and self-awareness as a negative.


I frequently see others abandon their own mental well-being, physical health or emotional needs for the purposes of work, family, friends or even, at times, societal pressure. I fear that there is a certain level of indoctrination that leads us to believe that in order to be successful, valued, liked, loved or accepted, we must sacrifice certain parts of ourselves. And if we don't? Well... cue the feelings of guilt, anxiety and self-criticism...


I have worked in many industries where there is a mindset of "working harder" as opposed to "smarter" and that you must almost be 'at breaking point' (but not quite!) to show that you are a fully dedicated employee who is willing to 'give it your all'. But why must we 'give it our all'? This 'all or nothing' mindset is not only toxic but the reality is that, working at this capacity - all of the time - is simply not sustainable. Moreover, it does not make us anymore effective in our jobs; if anything, we are less productive due to mental fatigue, physical exhaustion and depleted energy reserves. However, unfortunately, I think may corporations, businesses and institutes rely on 'fear mongering' as a tactic to force optimum productivity amongst their employees and workers: if you're not prepared to give it "everything", there will be another employee waiting in the wings to fill your position... It's not right and it feels somewhat like a corrupt and twisted "natural selection" process of the 21st century...


In my twenties, admittedly, I did not possess the wisdom and perspective that I am now beginning to have and I always felt the pressure to perform, prove and appease those in positions of power. I didn't value my own hardworking ethic, my unique skill set or positive attributes that made me a good employee. This lack of confidence was perhaps an exposed weakness that would have made me an easy target for scrutiny or victimisation. This lethal combination of insecurity and poor management meant that I would often overcompensate by overworking myself in a bid to "prove" my worth and capabilities thus neglecting my own needs in the process. This unhealthy commitment to work superseded all other aspects of my life: relationships, friendships, family and, most importantly, my opinion of myself.


Ignoring myself as a priority left no space in my life to make anything else a priority. As a result, it can become the "norm" to view life as being "unfair", "a struggle" or even thinking that unhappiness is deserved. I didn't prioritise myself and now when I look back, I think this prevented me from being a good friend, good sister, good daughter, good girlfriend and ironically, even a good employee at times!


It feels like a paradox: how can prioritising yourself benefit others? Well I suppose it goes back to the oxygen mask/plane analogy. You have to save yourself before you can save others... I want to be their for others. I want to show compassion for others. I want to hold space for others. But before I can, I must do all of this for myself.


Since I have begun to put my needs first - listening to both my mind and body - I am more able to 'show up' for others. I am much more present thus able to nourish those important relationships and connections that I am fortunate to have with both family and friends. By regularly re-assessing my own priorities, I am much more able to 'live my priorities' daily, whether that be: seeing family more frequently; having quality time with friends; creating space for hobbies and joy; or even spending time in nature. These important priorities can sometimes shift depending on the natural rhythms and routines of life but as long as I am continually 'checking in' with myself, it is much more possible to create a life that is harmonious with all aspects of my health. I am also a big advocate for using time effectively (creating space for meaningful conversations or giving adequate time to complete projects properly) as opposed to just 'ticking things off' to simply "tick a box". Meaningless tasks create for meaningless victories so I now have to know there is significance to how I choose to spend my time.


So how can you prioritise YOU and lead a life that supports those things that are important to you?

  1. Identify your main priorities (see list below for some suggestions).

  2. Make space and time for at least one or two of these priorities by scheduling it into your week (i.e. planning a walk in nature, calling a friend for a chat, or planning an afternoon to yourself and that favourite hobby). You may be able to create more space and time in your week but this is just a starting point!

  3. 'Check-in' with yourself weekly: your priorities may change depending on your needs at different times.

  4. 'Check' your language and practise self-compassion: it is not "selfish" to have boundaries, to have time for yourself and to fulfil your needs.

  5. Remember that when you prioritise yourself, everyone else around you benefits!

Possible Priorities:

Family

Friends

Pets/animals

Self-care

Hobbies

Health & Fitness

Religion or Spiritual Connection

Spending time in nature

Creativity (music, writing, painting etc)

Charity & Volunteering

Fun & Experiences


Final Words:

It may be that there are other areas and aspects of your life that are important in which you could add to this list - these are just a few suggestions to get you thinking! Nowadays I just try to remember the following: my life, my happiness and my choices are all my responsibility so I will no longer feel "bad" or "selfish" when I make myself my priority.


So just prioritise YOU and enjoy that paradoxical effect...


Spending Time in Nature




Thank you for reading my blog!


Xxx



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